


Falling for Your Parabatai

by Nocticola



Series: Julian Blackthorn, canon demi [2]
Category: The Dark Artifices Series - Cassandra Clare
Genre: Aromantic Asexual Raphael Santiago, Background Magnus Bane/Alec Lightwood, Book 2: Lord of Shadows, Canon Gay Character, Canon demisexual character, Demisexual Julian Blackthorn, F/M, Julian's brief pov of that relationship in chapter 1, M/M, Mark Blackthorn/Emma Carstairs mention, Parabatai, Parabatai Bond, Post-Book 1: Lady Midnight
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-09-11
Updated: 2018-09-12
Packaged: 2019-06-26 00:29:54
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 1,800
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15652071
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Nocticola/pseuds/Nocticola
Summary: Chapter 1: Julian talks with Alec about the parabatai bond.





	1. Alec

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> During the 2 weeks between LM and LoS, let's say Alec and Magnus are visiting to handle the fallout of Malcolm Fade’s death. Julian is feeling very confused about his feelings, and when they have a minute, he calls Alec to talk about Jace Herondale and the Parabatai bond.

Julian is having breakfast with his family and Alec Lightwood and Magnus Bane, who are in Los Angeles for a quick visit to try deal with the fallout of Malcolm Fade’s century long betrayal. Everyone's been very busy, Emma and Mark especially, which is why Julian has little to no appetite. It’s not like Emma and Mark do a lot of PDA or anything but just the fact that they are together, that Emma never really wanted Julian at all, all of it gnaws at him. He wishes he had someone to talk to, but revealing he’s in love with his _parabatai_ is a really bad idea. But he feels like he needs to talk to someone. Ever since he came back from England, and even more since they made love on the beach, Julian’s feelings for Emma and no one else have gotten worse. It can’t be a _parabatai_ thing, can it? Maybe he should ask Alec. 

When Tavvy, Max and Rafe are all sleeping, Julian approaches Alec. 

”Could I ask you something, about the _parabatai_ bond?” 

”Sure. I might have some wisdom to share,” Alec smiles, which puts Julian slightly more at ease. 

They go to Julian’s room for privacy, and all the way there Julian is cracking his brain on how to ask the questions he needs to ask without revealing too much. He’s usually very good at getting the information he needs, but when it comes to Emma, his skills are lacking. And then there’s the whole illegality of it all… 

Like most people who Julian let’s into his room (not that there are that many), Alec is taken with his Sleeping Beauty mural. Alec doesn’t ask about it, just stares at it appreciatively for a minute, “Amazing work. You did that?” 

”Yeah, I did. Thanks. “ 

Alec starts to turn a bit restless when Julian stays silent, but he’s still not quite sure how to ask. “Were you ever attracted to Jace?” is the only thing his brain comes up with, and before he can stop it, the words are out of his mouth. 

*** 

“What?!?” Alec doesn’t know Julian that well, although he sympathizes with his situation a lot, what with all the siblings and the Institute. He thought he might be able to help with whatever it is that is troubling Julian, but he really didn’t expect that question. It seems so random and out of place. 

“Sorry, that came out wrong. I’m just… you like guys, and basically everyone who likes guys goes on and on about Jace, so I wondered…” 

”If I was ever attracted to Jace, my _parabatai_ , someone who’s also essentially my brother?” 

Julian shrugs with feigned nonchalance, “Feelings can be confusing sometimes.” 

Alec raises his eyebrow, “Are they confusing for you?” 

”Not really,“ Julian claims and it’s clear to Alec that he is already regretting asking anything. 

It doesn’t take much to count 2 plus 2 and figure out why Julian’s asking. He’s entering some really dangerous, illegal, territory. 

”I’m not admitting to anything. But I can tell you that your _parabatai_ can feel like a safe person to project feelings on, so that you don’t have to pursue anything real. The feelings are intense, and confusing, yet safe, because *nothing* can ever happen with them. If you’re confused about things, they are a safety net that can never leave you. That can confuse you about what you really feel.” 

Alec had never really been attracted to Jace. Like he said, he was safe way to project his feelings and confusion about his sexuality. He knows that now that he has Magnus. Everything is much clearer to him now, and he knows the difference between _eros_ and the _parabatai_ bond. Maybe Julian just needs experience. *** 

Julian has listened intently on Alec’s words, and nods when the silence falls. What Alec says makes sense. Emma has always been in Julian’s life. He has only ever lived without her during the first three months of his life, and those two months he spent in England, with an ache in his heart and _parabatai_ rune. But what if Emma isn’t not just safe? What if the feelings he has for Emma are all the feelings he has? He’s never really been attracted to anyone else. 

”So being _parabatai_ never stopped you feeling attracted to others? It didn’t affect you like that?” Maybe he’s not weird (broken), maybe he’s just a _parabatai_. 

”Why would it? The point is that you marry or commit romantically to someone else. Once you fall in love, it's much easier to separate the feelings from each other. You’re not supposed to be with your _parabatai_ like that. Ever.” To Julian, Alec sounds a bit harsh there at the end, but he understands. The Lightwoods have a different motto. 

”Thanks, I think this was helpful,” Julian says and goes to leave his room. He should go train, or maybe check up on his siblings. There must be something else he has to do other than ask questions that shouldn’t be asked, examine feelings that he shouldn’t have, even if they are the only ones he’s ever had. 

Alec looks at Julian with a slight suspicion, maybe with a hint of sympathy, but Julian just needs this situation to be over. He shouldn’t have asked anything. 

Before Alec walks past Julian, he leans in “There are other people out there for you than Emma, Julian. You just have to look for them,” and then he’s gone, probably off to check the kids. 

Julian sighs. He so wishes that could be even remotely true for him. Maybe there's a spell for that.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Next chapter is Julian talking some more with Magnus during LoS.


	2. Magnus

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Julian and Magnus talk some more.
> 
> Set during Lord of Shadows chapter 26: Walk in Shadows, after the discussion in p.598-600.
> 
> Magnus: “Have you really already looked this up? Spells to cancel out love? You _are_ ruthless. Even with yourself.”
> 
> Julian: “I thought Emma didn’t love me anymore.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I ended up publishing the first chapter a bit too quickly, so I made adjustment to it and the tagging. Sorry early readers, but I do feel better about that chapter now.
> 
> Now some more Julian wondering about his feelings/attractions, with Magnus giving him one more piece of the puzzle with a help from a dearly departed character.

Magnus tells Julian his plan, about how they should go to Robert Lightwood and tell him everything, so that they could arrange the exile in a way that would make their situation at least bearable. It makes sense. it will lessen the curse, give them time to figure out how to break it. It’s their best chance. 

Julian lets out a sigh that feels like he’s been holding in since, since… he can’t even remember. It’s just good to have a plan. It’s also good to have someone who knows what’s going on. He needs to talk to someone about certain things. He tried to talk to Alec but that was useless and stupid and he shouldn't have done that. He can’t talk about it to Emma. He can’t talk to his siblings. 

”I didn’t look for those spells just because I thought Emma didn’t love me anymore,” he whispers without looking at Magnus. He stares at his hands that are almost completely clean. He hasn’t had time to paint in a while. 

Magnus comes to sit next to him, his wine still in his hand. “Sure you don’t want some?” 

Julian shakes his head this time. He buries his hands into his messy hair, and lets out a frustrated grunt, “It’s not just that I’m in love with Emma, and I shouldn’t be. It’s that, it’s that it’s *only* her. Never anyone else, not really. Never has been. Since I realized it, I haven’t even really had a fleeting thought of attraction for anyone else, let alone actual feelings. It’s always been Emma. I can’t just get over her. I’ve tried. I’ve wanted for these feelings to go away so many times… But nothing works. I don’t know if I can be in love with anyone but Emma.” 

Magnus listens to Julian’s extremely controlled pouring out of emotion. Julian might not be able to control his emotions, but he sure can control the expression of them. 

“Oh, Julian,” Magnus says and for the first time since Julian was 12 someone sounds fatherly towards him. “I’ve loved a lot of people in my lifetime. No one the way I love Alec, because love is always unique, but he was not the first for me. But I have had a first love and it can be--” 

Julian gets up so forcefully he knocks down his chair. There goes his supposed control. “You don’t *understand*. This isn’t just a ‘first love’ thing. This is a ‘only Emma’ thing. Before I realized I loved her, I was starting to think that something was wrong with me. I never felt, never understood, what everyone was talking about. I never desired anyone else. Sure, Isabelle Lightwood is awesome and she looked beautiful at Helen and Aline’s wedding, and I thought that was a crush, but that isn’t what everyone else seemed to feel. And even though I feel it for Emma, I don’t feel it for anyone else. The thought of anyone else is disgusting to me. I wanted to get rid of my feelings for Emma, so I could maybe move on, or at least not have to feel this way about the only person I should never have, who I could never be with. But if I don’t feel it for Emma, I feel it for no one.” 

All these feelings that have been burning inside Julian for so long, all the confusion and strangeness he’s felt since everyone around him started talking about crushes and dating. Even if he’d had time for any of it, he never had the desire, not before he realized what he felt for Emma. Only for Emma. 

Magnus looks at him with a look of sympathy and thoughtfulness. “You know, the Mundanes have come up with some lovely words over time.” 

Julian looks at Magnus with utter confusion. What does he mean? 

“I once knew someone. He was very dear to me. He didn’t love or feel the way everyone else around him said he should, but he owned that about himself. He might not have loved some people the way they wanted him to love them, but he was full of other types of love.” 

“Who was it?” Julian whispers, still a little uncertain of Magnus’ point. 

“Raphael Santiago. Eventually, we found Mundane words for what he was. Aromantic asexual. That’s not quite what you are, but it sounds like you might be in that ballpark.” 

Julian swallows. Could there be a term for him? Something that explains why he feels like this, why he is like this? This isn’t really the right time to think about that. He’s already taken too much of Magnus’ time with his silly outbursts. 

“Maybe. It’s late. I should probably go find Emma, tell her the plan. The Council meeting is tomorrow and we need to have made up our minds about it by then.” 

“That seems best,” Magnus finishes his wine, sighs, puts his hand briefly on Julian's shoulder before leaving Julian alone. 

Julian takes a moment to regain control of himself, before he goes to find Emma’s room. But control eludes him tonight, but that's not always terrible.


End file.
